Change

Change. It’s something everyone goes through. Some adapt better than others, but I for one do not. Change triggers something inside of me that causes debilitating fear. In lieu of experiencing lots of change recently, I have been thinking a lot about it.

One change I’ve been going through recently is a move. Almost a month ago I left my apartment of two years to live on my own without roommates for the first time. For most people moving is an exciting new step towards the future, but for me, this change is a large step into a dark abyss where I don’t know what comes next. Everything I knew for the past two years has been uprooted – my comfort zone, my safe space, and my friends. Granted I only moved half an hour away, but it is still a new adjustment to get used to.

On top of moving, another big challenge I had recently was a job interview. I have been at my school for two years now and applied for a teaching position that opened. This is my second interview in two years for my own classroom and it was the second time I was denied a position. As disappointed as I was and still am, I have to believe it was for a good reason. I was instead offered a job as a full-time paraprofessional. While it’s not the outcome I wanted, it is a step in the right direction. Now I am able to get my master’s degree through the local teacher’s academy and then who knows what next year will bring. As nervous as I am to start this new job in the fall, I am excited for the opportunities it will bring me. I had another opportunity for an interview at a different school in the district but found myself falling into a catatonic state of anxiety anytime I thought about it. The thought of a change so big such as a new school caused me to be so overwhelmed that I ended up not following through with the interview. I know it’s crazy and I may or may not kick myself for it later on but that is something I will have to live with.

Another unfortunate event that completed my change trifecta was the death of my hedgehog. He passed away the day before my interview for a teaching position. Winston was getting sick for a while and nothing we tried made him better. It was decided in the end that he had cancer – a disease that hedgehogs are quite prone to – and I made the decision to euthanize him due to his quality of life declining. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make, especially since he was still so spritely. Being without Winston has been nothing short of a devastating experience and I think of him often.

Lastly, a month ago, I began a new medication for my anxiety because I was really struggling with it. I have experienced really good results so far and find that my anxiety has lessened a great deal. I no longer feel physical symptoms of anxiety such as shaking and sweating and all that good stuff. I’m not sure I’m at a place that I’m happy with regarding my mental health because I still really struggle to be alone and get anything done. I have no drive or motivation to complete even the smallest tasks. I find it hard to cook for myself and do most adult things, but I’m hoping to soon find relief through therapy and my psychiatrist. I struggle to put words to how I’m feeling so that’s a challenge I must work on. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy because I can’t bring myself to do simple things, but I have to remind myself to have patience. I’m doing the best I can and that is enough.

Until next time,

Christina