Ireland 2.0
Sometimes, no matter how well you think you know your anxiety, it still sneaks up on you when you least expect it. On a long-anticipated vacation meant to bring joy, perhaps. Sometimes all it takes is one long day of fun and travel for the paranoia to creep in, for the anxious tingles to crawl up under your skin.
“This isn’t supposed to be happening here. Anywhere else, yes, but not here. Please, no.” You think to yourself as you feel a tickle in the back of your throat and a light to switch on in your brain to panic. Not just now, but all the time. Every second. Peace is not an option - was it ever?
Last year I booked a trip to my favorite place on earth, Ireland. The last time I was there was unlike nothing else I have ever experienced, in a good way. My mental health issues felt cured for the longest time after that trip, it was like magic. I expected nothing but the same grandeur and awe in my second trip. It began that way but quickly took a turn in a downward spiral. Once I arrived in Greystones after a terribly long travel day, I began to feel a tickle in my throat. “Oh no, I thought… Surely, I have caught Covid, right? Of course, that would happen to me on this most fantastical trip. Just. My. Luck.
Wrong. That was merely my paranoia and exhaustion talking. It was just allergies – thank you, Google for talking me out of a spiral. However, I am the world’s biggest baby when I don’t feel well, and allergies turn me into a crybaby even in the most magical place in the world. My anxiety didn’t let me think allergies were the cause though, I was up stressed for a while convinced I had Covid. Thank God I realized after a good night’s sleep that I was just exhausted.
I think my anxiety began right after I missed a train to Greystones. I had gotten off at the Bray stop, one stop before the one I needed, because the DART said it was not going to Greystones. I tried to find a bus out front and got really confused and ended up down the street and then walked back into the station and realized there was another DART going to Greystones, but I had missed it by 30 seconds. That’s in typical Christina fashion though. Of course, that would happen, but it was okay because eventually I realized the bus situation and got on the correct one to Greystones. I rode the bus for about 20 minutes and got off right outside my AirBNB. The host took about 10 minutes to answer my message, so I stood outside feeling pretty awkward in the dark of night with a large suitcase, just idling. This was what led up to my nervous breakdown over Covid in my room, which I think now, sounds like as good a trigger as any for my anxiety. Especially considering I religiously checked the timetables of public transportation my entire trip, so to mess up on my second day made me extra paranoid about my traveling for the rest of the week.
I didn’t expect the loneliness. I love being by myself at home and love to be alone, so why did I feel so lonely on my trip? I guess I just wanted someone to share the adventure with. On my last trip, I traveled with a group and had friends that I made and talked to everyday. I was able to take in the grandiosity of the country with other people. It was a bond we shared that we will never forget. So, to have only myself to share this place with, left me feeling like something was missing. This is not to say that I did not have an amazing time, because I absolutely did. I have no regrets from my trip and think only of the wonderful memories I have. I’m so grateful to be able to travel the world.
My favorite part of my trip was 1000% visiting Emma and Alec in Limerick. I hadn’t seen them for about six months (?) and I had never been to Limerick. It was such a wonderful time, and I will cherish our memories of card games and karaoke for the rest of my days. It’s so nice to have friends around the world and I’m looking forward to seeing them next Summer. I met Emma on Instagram during Covid times when artists were having concert livestreams from their homes. Emma was hosting a “sing-song” on an Instagram live and I happened to come across it and loved her music and personality and we started chatting back and forth and then became friends. I attended one of her shows in Boston when she was touring in America and got to spend some time with her and Alec. It was so exciting to meet an internet friend in real life. I haven’t done that since college!
The next most exciting part of my trip was my tour of the Wicklow Mountains, Powerscourt House and Gardens, and Glendalough. The mountains were somewhat disappointing because instead of trees it was just bog. Literally, all you could see for miles and miles was just bogland. Said bog had also been in a fire a few years prior so mostly everything was dead and brown. It was underwhelming, but the vastness was beautiful in itself. Powerscourt was amazing. I didn’t think I would love it as much as I did. My group were some of the only people on the grounds, so I basically had the gardens to myself. I walked around and explored all the plants and trees – I even saw a redwood tree which was incredible and a bucket list item! The Japanese gardens were stunning, and I wish I could go back and spend an entire day there. Glendalough was just like the photos I had seen; it was very surreal. What a stunning place to be buried. I also made my way to Lower Lake, as much as I wanted to see Upper Lake, I wasn’t sure if I would have had time for that full walk out and back. As our guide said, “they are lakes, once you see one, you’ve seen both,” and I kind of stuck with that mentality in hopes of not feeling regret for not going the extra distance. It helped. I also met a dog playing fetch at Lower Lake.
Another fun thing I did on my trip was get a tattoo! I had known I wanted to get a tattoo when I went on my trip, but I didn’t know what until about a month before. My horoscope mentioned transformation like a butterfly a couple times and then butterflies showed up again randomly for me at another time and I fell in love with the idea of getting a tattoo with butterflies and the Aquarius constellation since I am an Aquarius. I love fine line and very delicate looking tattoos and I feel like it’s so hard to find a good artist for what I want. I did a lot of research and finally found Bella at Black Hat Tattoo in Dublin and she thankfully had an opening for me during my trip. I have never been happier with a tattoo than this one. I gave her an idea and she created a vision I didn’t even know I had. Totally knocked it out of the park and I can’t wait to go back and see her for another tattoo.
I turned to walking a lot as a means of enjoyment as well as keeping my mental health in check. A “mental health walk” if you will, or “hot girl walk,” both are accurate. I found myself at the beach quite often, my favorite place to be in Greystones, and life in general. South Beach is beautiful and one of the best memories I have of my first visit to Greystones. This time around I also visited “The Cove” or a small inlet off North Beach. I had only seen photos of it online and was so excited to actually see it in person. I like to sit in the sand with my headphones and watch the waves crash, feel the wind on my face, and listen to my favorite music. I could even hear the ocean over my music, which really set the perfect tone for a good time. I know I can always find comfort at the beach. Oh, but what would a trip to the beach be without a stop at The Fat Fox for coffee and a pastry first? It wouldn’t… that’s the answer. My favorite order is an iced white with oat milk and sweetener, and a Raspberry Bakewell, aka the best baked good I’ve ever consumed, not contest. Also, not kidding.
The last activity I did on my trip was e-biking around Howth, a peninsula that is off Dublin. Let me tell you… I thought I was going to die. I hadn’t ridden a bike in years, and it showed. I literally forgot how to turn a bike and nearly crashed into a wall, and a dog and its owner at one point. I truly was going as slow as I could because I was so scared, I would fall off and break a limb. That would definitely be something that would happen to me. My guides were angels and super helpful and encouraging. I’m grateful for them. I will probably never e-bike again, but I’m glad I did it this once. Even though it did give me a severe panic attack once I got home from all the tension releasing from my body. It’s fine, I’m fine… just mentally scarred? All is well.
A big anxiety that came up on my trip was a compartment syndrome flare up. I was diagnosed with compartment syndrome going into my sophomore year of college but have dealt with it since I was a freshman in high school. I have exercise induced compartment syndrome which basically just means that when I exercise, my muscles expand, but the fascia encasing them doesn’t expand along with the muscles, so they are essentially squished inside my legs, which creates a very tight pressure, lots of pain, and sometimes my calves and feet go numb. It is a horrendous experience, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. During the second half of my trip, my legs flared up for the first time since my senior year of college. It was so mentally crushing because my main means of transportation on this trip was walking. Even walking three minutes to the bus stop caused pain and pressure in my calves. It was discouraging to say the least. The last day and a half of my trip was spent in bed attempting to relax as to not cause myself any unnecessary pain. I didn’t even get to enjoy one last walk on the beach because I was too scared of the pain, I knew it would cause me. Again, I don’t have any regrets, just some little sadness’s. I look forward to going back and being super careful so that this doesn’t happen again, although I know there’s nothing I can do to avoid it.
Overall, I had a wonderful, magical, and memorable trip, and I am so glad and grateful I was able to travel to the most beautiful place in the world once more. I can’t wait to go back next Summer.
Until next time,
Christina xx
